


Never too late (to learn)

by sashushilda



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: At least I tried, Be careful with what you say to kids, Crowley is Good With Kids (Good Omens), Gen, Humor, Ineffable Idiots (Good Omens), M/M, Nanny Crowley (Good Omens), Or Is he?, everyone is embarrassed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-30
Updated: 2020-01-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:08:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22480789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sashushilda/pseuds/sashushilda
Summary: Warlock is 5, his English teacher has fallen ill and Crowley has to step in for one single reading lesson.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Crowley & Warlock Dowling
Comments: 4
Kudos: 61





	Never too late (to learn)

Crowley was a very smart person. He may not have seem that to some individuals, especially compared to Aziraphale, but that was just appearance. He was smart (-er than Aziraphale!), capable and not afraid to learn anything. Or to teach. At least that’s what he’d been telling himself all morning.

Mere two hours before that Mrs. Dowling texted Nanny Ashtoreth and explained that Ms. Brown, Warlock’s English teacher, had fallen sick and it would be “awesome” if she could just step up for one lesson.

Hence the motivational talk and frantic preparation for a reading lesson. Having had no experience in teaching anyone (except for Eve to sin) Crowley was quite shocked to discover via google that you couldn’t just march in, show a letter to a child and say “ _This is A, got it? And these two are S's. Now read the word_ ”. Apparently, you had to take it slowly, introduce letter by letter and even stick to the sound it makes instead of how it’s pronounced in the alphabet or kids might get confused. So another revelation followed: human pups are stupid and slow. But after all, Warlock was not an ordinary kid.

Of course Crowley could just miracle the ability to read right into the boy’s brain and be done with it. But was it smart? Well, of course it was, who wants to waste so much time teaching something so simple, but there would have been nothing smart as in “intelligent” and he really couldn’t wait to go to Brother Francis’s cottage in the evening and brag how he’d pulled this off. No miracles.

Warlock was playing in the garden while Crowley in his Nanny outfit was soaking up the sun, the last peaceful minutes of the day. The lesson was going to be smooth and Warlock would never wish for Ms. Brown to come back. Because who would trade an extremely sharp, charming and stylish nanny to a prude in a grey blouse and grey pencil skirt?

“Warlock, come here, darling” it was time to break the news.

“Yes, nanny?” Warlock was by his side in a second. Boy, was he fast (occult nature, what can you do).

“Let’s go have a reading lesson.” Crowley put a hand on his shoulder.

“Is Ms. Brown already here? I haven’t seen her!”

“No, darling, she’s ill today, we’re having a lesson together.”

“Together? You are going to teach me? Wow!” Crowley was very pleased seeing the boy jump and clap his hands.

On the way to the library, as Warlock was running ahead of him, Crowley realized he’d forgotten all the materials in his room. Yes, he had even printed out some stuff himself using his fantastic technical skills. But did he want to go all the way back to get everything? Surely no one would care if all the materials miraculously appeared in Nanny’s hands now? It wasn’t cheating, just pure logistics.

As they entered the library, Warlock rushed to one of the shelves and took out his favourite book – “The Encyclopedia of War. Volume 1”.

“Nanny, read our book to me!” he clumsily carried a weighty tome to the table and placed it there with a loud thump.

“I’m really proud of your literary choice, but we have to study first. Sit down and let me put it back.”

Warlock sat at the table and was clearly bursting with anticipation. Nanny always read and sang to him and played with him and explained everything to him, but it was their first true lesson together.

Crowley took a seat in front of his student and started to take everything out of a folder. Pictures with the letter S written in different ways, variety of words that start with it, a short comic strip about…

“What’s that?” Warlock grabbed a pile of papers and started shuffling through them mercilessly, crumpling everything on the way. Crowley was looking at how his neatly arranged materials became something reminding of a morning newspaper which you could find in an empty tube seat late in the evening.

“That’s for later, please don’t touch it now!” he snatched it out of Warlock’s hands and tried to minimize the damage by putting everything back together. “Are you ready to start?”

“Yess!” he threw his hands in the air.

Crowley picked up a card with the letter and began explaining. “Look! This is the letter S. And the sound it makes is ssssss.”

“Ssssssss!”’

“Perfect. Now…”

“Are you going to be my teacher forever?”

“No, I’ve told you that it’s only for today. So, the letter S…”

“Because Ms. Brown is ill?”

“Yes.”

“What’s wrong with her?”

“I don’t know.”

“Maybe she’s got a stomach bug! Just like me a long time ago, remember? I remember!”

Crowley wished he had forgotten the sleepless nights and hours spent in rotation between Warlock’s bed and the toilet.

“Yes, Warlock. Listen to me. This letter…”

“Or maybe she’s not ill at all! Maybe she didn’t want to come because the weather is so good and she wanted to take a walk…”

Crowley’s eyebrows crawled to the hairline as his eyes widened, nostrils growing wider to take in as much air as possible. This was not going as he’d expected. Warlock kept on chattering about all the things Ms. Brown could be doing at the moment, he clearly didn’t care about learning to read. The demon had to do something.

“Hey, Warlock!” he exclaimed and watched him stop abruptly. “Let me tell you a story. You want to hear a story, don’t you?”

“Yes!” the boy nodded vigorously.

“Then you need to listen very carefully. Promise?”

“Pinky promise, please, tell me a story!”

Crowley took a picture of a snake and showed it to him.

“Once upon a time there was a sleeky sneaky snake. He sauntered and slithered in the garden, saw a girl and... What?!” he snapped.

Warlock was jumping in his seat, clearly indicating that he had something to say about the story.

“I saw a snake in our garden too!”

“Yes, that was a boring grass snake. Now, our sleeky sneaky snake was big and magnificent…”

“My mommy is afraid of snakes, but I’m not!”

“That’s right. Your mommy is a regular person, but you’re special, you’re the power, all the evil snakes will obey you and help you conquer the world. They will bite anyone you point to.”

“No, they won’t! Brother Francis told me all about them!”

Crowley raised an eyebrow.

“And now I know that they’re actually nice!”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Oh nanny, you don’t know a thing about snakes! I’ll tell you!”

Crowley crossed his arms.

“Please do.”

Aziraphale was supposed to thwart whatever bad influence the demon had on the boy, but clearly the line must have been drawn somewhere. For example, when it came to personal things. To heaven with the lesson, he needed to know what bullocks the angel had told the boy.

“Do you know that you can make medicine out of snake’s poison? It’s so cool!” Warlock was eager to share his knowledge. “I thought it was only for killing, but Brother Francis explained to me that sometimes even bad things can be used to do good and save people!”

“You don’t say.” Crowley rolled his eyes behind the sunglasses and started chewing his lip. “Brother Francis is so smart, isn’t he?” he added dryly.

“He is!” Of course the sarcasm went over the boy’s head. Kids. Not very different from angels. Even if they’re the Antichrist.

“Warlock, listen to me,” Crowley gestured the boy to lean closer over the table. “Snakes are evil and very dangerous. Yes, people catch them and use them, but when a snake bites, you die in pain and agony. They’re fast and cunning. The only person in the whole world who shouldn’t be afraid of them is you, my little master.”

“Oh no, you’ve got it all wrong!” Warlock was so happy that it was him who was giving a lesson now. “I know that snakes are super deadly, but Brother Francis said they only kill to protect themselves and the ones they love. They strike their enemies the second they see a threat! Like this!” he darted his hand upwards. “I think it’s cool how much they care about their eggs and babies and friends!”

Now this was a slap in the face. How dare he… _Argh, Aziraphale!_ Crowley wanted to burst out of the room and march down to the “gardener” and give him a good talking to. He clearly got all his ideas about snakes so, _so_ wrong. But it could wait, Warlock had to learn the truth. Crowley fished his phone out of the pocket and googled photos of snakes. He gestured the boy to pay attention to the screen.

“Look at their eyes. They scream _Danger! Don’t touch us, we’re not nice!_ Spooky sneaky eyes, hmm?”

“But Brother Francis…”

“Brother Francis what?!” the demon was on the verge of losing it.

Warlock noticed he may have said something to upset his dear nanny and grew silent. Crowley felt bad about losing his temper and tried to tone it down a bit.

“I’m sorry, my bitter boy. Maybe nanny is feeling under the weather too. Please, tell me what Brother Francis told you.”

Warlock was still a bit self-conscious, but continued nonetheless. “He said that snake’s eyes are very beautiful…”

Crowley’s heartbeat grew a bit faster. “Go on.”

“He said that they hypnotise,” Warlock was returning to his usual speed of a hundred words per minute. “and you can get lost admiring their beauty. It means they’re pretty nifty! I’d like to look a snake in the eye and see if it can hypnotise me!”

Crowley mumbled something like “mhm…” and started to get lost in reverie, but quickly got hold of himself. “Warlock. First of all, this is not a biology lesson.” He really tried to sound as calm as possible. “Secondly, Brother Francis is a gardener for a reason, he has no education or right to teach you all this nonsense. And finally, no. Not a single snake could hypnotise you. What do I always tell you?”

“That I am to rule them all?”

“Yes, snakes included. That’s my boy. You know,” the demon sighed. “let’s read that war book of ours, I think you know everything already.” he waved his hand. “Just remind me, what letter is this?”

“S! It’s the 19th letter in the Modern English alphabet.” Warlock’s voice was almost robotic. “The letter S is the seventh most common letter in English and the third-most common consonant after T and N!”

Well, the demon must have overdone it, but he fully blamed it on Aziraphale.

In the evening, when Warlock was fast asleep and Crowley could finally take his much-deserved time off, he stormed into the cottage on the estate premises where Aziraphale lived.

“You bastard!” he got straight to the point.

Aziraphale, who had already taken all his ridiculous make up off, was sitting in the armchair reading a book. Was it about snakes, huh? _Huh?!_ He closed the book and smiled.

“Oh, Nanny Ashtoreth, what a pleasant surprise. It’s nice to see you, although it’s quite late. Tea?” he was all calmness and politeness.

Crowley shut the door behind him and marched to the angel menacingly, pointing a finger at his chest.

“You think you’re the sssmartest out here? Teaching my boy some bullshit?” his chest was heaving.

“Crowley, dear,” Aziraphale interrupted. “if you’re so upset and want to discuss something personal, can you please look like yourself? I can’t bear seeing a respectable woman this shaken.”

“For heaven’s ssake!” Crowley snaped his fingers and got back to his usual self.

“Now, that’s much better. So what is it that got you so upset? I’ve got wine I’ve been saving until Saturday.” Aziraphale was as cool as a cucumber. “Dear, do take a seat”.

Crowley fell heavily on the chair opposite Aziraphale and crossed his arms. He was silent and just stared at the angel. After a minute of watching the bastard’s lips curled in a peaceful smile, he decided to speak up with a sigh. “What in Satan’s name gave you the idea of discussing snakes with Warlock?”

“Well, we saw a grass snake and he got all curious, wanted to chase it, but it disappeared pretty quickly, so I decided to take his mind off of it…” It was clear Aziraphale was starting to lose his cool, his hands got into the usual habit of fidgeting and cheeks turned a shade of pink.

“Listen,” Crowley relaxed at finally being able to keep the high ground. He brushed his hands through his long hair. “I know you’re supposed to teach him to be good and all lovey-dovey, but your little lecture sabotaged my lesson.”

“Your lesson? You mean Ms. Brown’s?” Aziraphale clarified.

“No, not Ms. Brown’s! She decided to play hooky today, so Harriet asked me to teach him to read. I just wanted to talk about S’s…”

“Excuse me?”

“The letter S, angel! Obviously not the butts! You’re unbelievable! I ended up listening to a story about nice and beautiful creatures which help people and bloody mesmerise everyone with their eyes!”

“Oh, I didn’t think he would tell you this…” Aziraphale stood up and went to a cupboard with a said bottle of wine in it. He took his time taking it out along with two wine glasses, looking for a corkscrew, pouring the red liquid. Crowley could only see his tense back from where he was sitting. Finally, the angel returned to his armchair and passed him one of the glasses.

“I had no intention of saying something that might upset you and if I did so, I must apologize.”

“You’d better.” though Crowley had previously been adamant on staying offended, he tasted the wine which he hated to admit was rich in flavour and soothing in its warmth.

“Yes, well, I’m sorry. I, erm…” Aziraphale was fiddling with a glass stem looking absolutely miserable. His eyes got a bit teary and cheeks were full on red. Crowley took another sip and felt that he was unable to stay mad at this heavenly creature for long.

“Apology accepted.” he smiled. “So you what did you say about the eyes?”

Aziraphale’s face was ripe tomato scarlet at this point.

“Aah, come on, say it.” Crowley was at least going to enjoy this. “Or were you lying to our little Antichrist?” he added with fake concern.

“I would never!” Aziraphale exclaimed. “It’s your job, dear, you’re the demon.” he straightened his back. “Yes, I think snakes have beautiful eyes.”

“Well, thanks for the compliment.” by this point Crowley had finished his wine and was shaking an empty glass at Aziraphale, indicating that he needed more to celebrate his successful achievement on making the angel regret his words.

“By the way, about lying…” Aziraphale started refilling the demon’s glass. “You being a demon, did you lie when you said Brother Francis is, oh how was it… the most obnoxious human being who you hate and wish you’d never crossed paths with?” he murmured nonchalantly.

_Fuck._

“I, er, well, might have mentioned it.”

“But was it something you decided to say based on _maybe_ how you truly feel, but a bit of the opposite?” that was a final blow, courtesy of principality Aziraphale.

Crowley could swear he could see tiny cheeky demons dancing in the angel’s eyes. Bastard. Clever, charming bastard. “Let’s make it even and never speak of it again.”

“Well, yes, better not discuss the affairs we have with the Antichrist.” Aziraphale nodded. “We’re enemies, after all. Don’t want the enemy to find out our secrets.” He raised his glass. “To all the secrets of this world!”

“Yeah, to all the bloody secrets”.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, everyone. This is my first attempt at posting here, if you have any notes or comments, I'd be glad to hear! English is not my native language, so feel free to smite me for poor grammar choices :)


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